Melty

Comment by DonnaF (Guest)

DonnaF (Guest) — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 23:49:36 +0000

I'd have to say from what I've read in your blog it all sounds pretty wonderful.

I'm a bit practical too when it comes to deciding something is real. I shy away from the idea of "soul mates" and instead feel you have the power to decide someone is it, to chose them over any and all other potential mates. Ugh you know I don't really care for that use of the word mate, it sounds a bit too animal right now. Anyway... so what were we talking about, oh yeah, true luuuuve. I thought I had it until I met Connor. Then I discovered I had spent the last five years with the wrong someone. I was happier in one day just being around him then I had been in five years with that other someone. There was such a greater level of comfort and appreciation for each other mixed in with the melty crush stuff. And equally key was that we both respected each others differences. Other someone and I didn't have that. So I don't know if that helps. When you said that this time things feel "different" that rang a bell with me and how I felt. I'm cheering you and Amy on. :)

Comment by Noelle (Guest)

Noelle (Guest) — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 17:06:36 +0000

Oh, and remember that marriage is WORK sometimes. I'm not saying that's a major hardship or it's easy or whatever, but you can't be surprised by that fact when it comes. If you are realistic about it and you take the work with the easy then you can keep your heads above the shit forever.

Comment by Jen (Guest)

Jen (Guest) — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 16:02:35 +0000

Well, I lived with and dated Travis for a few years before we admitted (to each other or others) that we were in love. Neither of us ever planned to get married or have kids, so it didn't seem important. We very occasionally dated other people, too. We didn't decide to get married until we had been living together (and sleeping together) for six years. I don't know that there was a time that we just 'knew' it was right. We never thought about it because we weren't looking for it, until it seemed really obvious.

I know that I always looked forward to seeing him, even if we'd only been apart for a few hours, with an excitement that survives to this day. In previous relationships, that had worn off after a year or so.

Despite our long and unusual courtship, I've never met a couple who has a better relationship than we do. We've been through sad times, cranky dissertation-writing times, long distance relationships, and making difficult decisions to ensure that we could be together.

I think that it is important to cherish your partner. You should always look forward to seeing him/her. You should appreciate (vocally) the things you like about each other.

Love is important, like is important, and respect is very important. If you have those things, you can choose to grow with your partner, or you can choose to grow apart from your partner. One may require more effort than the other, but the choice is yours.

I'm glad things are going so well for you! You deserve it!

Comment by Cori (Guest)

Cori (Guest) — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 13:13:48 +0000

Josie Vogels (My Messy Bedroom) had an excellent article a couple of weeks ago about the switch from divine happiness to lasting love; it made me think of you, actually, just going through that stage.

I was friends with Ashwath for a couple of years before we fell in love, so our situation is very different. There was no giddiness per se, just the thrilling understanding that this was the person I wanted to be with.

And I don't necessarily agree with the living together part; I don't think it always helps you know if you're ready to be married. The dynamic of living with someone to whom you are not married is still very different from that of living with someone to whom you are, and there can still be disillusionment and drastic change when you shift from one to the other.

Comment by MonoCerdo (Guest)

MonoCerdo (Guest) — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 11:40:07 +0000

I experienced a similar coup de foudre, and while we both look back and agree we knew it was right very early on, I'm not sure when I reached the point of knowing knowing that you speak of. It's a tricky thing, and I think it does take some time (and definitely living together) before you no longer worry about whether or not it will work out in the end. But, to be trite and obvious, every relationship is unique, and every relationship evolves in different ways at different paces so who the hell am I to say. And I suppose the truth is that you can never know how things will work out. The stability and lasting bond of a grounded relationship is unspeakably wonderful, but that initial uncertainty can be fun and exciting, so I say enjoy this time. It's one of the best parts.

Comment by e (Guest)

e (Guest) — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 11:31:21 +0000

ew. melting? like a patty melt? i'd say that sounds really cheesy, but the pun would be horrendous.

but as for the actual question, how do you know that it's for real? i may be a bad person to ask, as i was pretty oblivious before we started dating. in fact, it took for her to essentially bonk me on the head and drag me over by my hair, caveman style, to realize that we should even *be* dating.

that being said, how do you know? i knew when i realized that this was the most incredible person i had ever met. and that i would do anything for her without hesitation, happily and willingly.

that's how you know you're in love. or whipped.

Comment by Noelle (Guest)

Noelle (Guest) — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 09:48:05 +0000

John, is your last name Cory or Corey? Sorry if I got that wrong, it's been a few years...

Comment by Noelle (Guest)

Noelle (Guest) — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 09:47:28 +0000

That's good advice from John. I knew I would marry John (my John, not Corey!) after our 2nd date - when he held my hand at an art museum. Frankly when I met him face to face for the first time (we met like you guys) I was struck with a sense of... I don't know... like a lighting bolt. We had fights and we had wonderful times and then we lived together and had more fights and wonderful times and we fall in love with each other a little bit more each day mostly because we share the same values and the same passions (we are both major history nerds). Even though the "first flush of love" has warn off - it's still so deep and lasting feeling. It is definately different for everyone, but when you KNOW you KNOW, and it can happen in 5 minutes or can take a nice, slow long time. It's good to be cautious but it can also happen fast if it's right, it's not always a bad thing. And at our age, we've been around long enough to know what we want at this point, sometimes faster is just a matter of cutting to the chase.

Comment by John C (Guest)

John C (Guest) — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 06:46:16 +0000

To be honest Ken, it is different for everyone. I hate to sound too practical, but here is my attitude. What you have with Amy sounds awesome, but when i decided to marry Julie I thought for a long time (18 months) about the kind of commitment I wanted. I think living together first helps. Making sure you have compatabile living styles is essential too. Two rules:
1) Time is the best judge
2) It is hard to say you were meant to marry someone unless you survive a difficult patch. You need to go through the rough stuff to be sure. Not that I am suggesting you start trouble, but don't shy away from it. Everyone fights sooner or later, don't wait until you are married to find out how you handle it.

Melty

Ken — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 01:21:52 +0000

And it just keeps on getting worse.