Real Kato Blog: My Funny Ass

I have come to believe that the word "ass" is much too funny to be left out of everyday conversation. (Funny ha-ha, not funny strange.)

The American English slang word "ass" is derived from the British slang word arse. Oddly, it has a completely different root than "ass" meaning "donkey", which comes from the Latin word asinus. Our American version came about thanks to a common long-A pronunciation in southern England.

Growing up, "ass" was a simple vulgarity that I didn't use very much, because "butt" seemed funnier at the time. It wasn't until college that we really started to throw "ass" around, accentuating the word by stretching it out ("AAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSS").

I really began to see the humor in "ass" when my one-time friend Leigh introduced me to the phrase "this tastes like ASS". That phrase is either utterly nonsensical or rooted in some uncommon sexual practices; either way, it's a hoot to say when you're among older folks. Next time you're at the senior citizen's center and they serve up those fish sticks for lunch, give it a try.

At work, I have found myself using the phrase "he's talking out of his ass" more and more often. It is just perfect for describing someone who pretends to know what he's talking about, but actually is making stuff up based on sheer nonsense. Although the phrase may unfortunately conjure a Jim Carrey movie scene, it's still pretty darn useful, especially when dealing with engineers or their managers.

Wonkette has opened my eyes to the potential of the phrase "ass-fucking". I guess the word "fucking" wasn't offensive enough, so we had to gay it up a little. Perhaps in ten years, we'll have to evolve this phrase to "monkey-bitch-ass-fucking" to continue the trend.

The pinnacle came when I found out there's a porn movie called "Weapons of Ass Destruction". When, as a society, we can morph politics into porn, I really start to believe there's hope for this world.

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