Real Kato Blog: The Devil and Monkey Webster

The real world always seems to be odder than anything we can dream up.

I'm imagining a scenario where I make a deal with the Devil.

The Devil says to me, "Okay, in exchange for your soul, I'll let you have your dream job for seven years." My first question, of course, is whether I will be vested in my 401(k) by then, and whether I get any stock options. "Yeah, yeah," says the Devil, "and you'll get dental coverage too. But only 50% of orthodontia."

So I start laying out what my dream job will be. "Of course," I tell him, "it will have to involve porn."

"Naturally."

I have some trouble coming up with other criteria. "Umm, maybe you could throw in some monkeys. You know, because monkeys are funny."

"Monkeys. Gotcha."

SHAZAM. I am transported to my new job. But in typical devil-trickster fashion, the job is not quite I expect. There are no naked women. The job actually involves monkeys looking at monkey porn.

So I was thinking this might make for a good Brendan Fraser movie, and then I find out: there is ACTUALLY A JOB LIKE THIS. Researchers have discovered that monkeys will "pay" (by giving up rewards) to see pictures of monkey badonkadonk. This so-called "research" is going on right in my figurative backyard, at Duke University. Somehow this study has something to do with curing autism. I would love to have seen the research grant application explaining that connection.

Next research projects coming to Duke: treating skin cancer by studying elephant masturbation habits; determining if lesbian sex makes cows immune to mad cow disease; and, preventing malnutrition by...

Oh, forget it. I can't top the monkey-ass thing.

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