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The Hooker's Career Guide
Saturday, 2004 December 4 - 3:47 pm
This is a public service to an under-served market.

There are just too many sex workers trapped in unfulfilling jobs. Your pimp is a tyrant, there's no career advancement, and they stopped giving out free sodas in the break room. But what is the disgruntled hooker to do, when seeking greener pastures? There are no job placement services, no counselors, and no books titled "Hooking For Dummies". So here, as a public service, is The Real Kato Guide to a Lucrative Prostitution Career.

A good résumé is the first place to start. Using high-quality bond paper for this; avoid using tissue paper from the truck stop. Start with your name. Note that if you don't have a porn name, you should get one. Then put your current address, and be specific: don't just say "various motels".

Next, write a career objective statement. What do you want to do with your life? Maybe you want to get into management, running a cathouse or being a street pimp yourself. Or maybe you want to make porn movies someday. Or maybe you just want to be the best hooker you can be. But be explicit (well, be somewhat explicit), so that potential employers are clear about your plans.

Now write about your work experience. You want to concentrate on relevant experience only, so leave off the time you spent working at Wal-Mart (even if you felt like a whore there). However, if you were ever an intern in Washington D.C., be sure to put that down. Write about all your specific responsibilities, and use lots of action verbs like "blew", "jacked", and "bent".

Once you've got your resume written, you'll want to get it out to as many employers as possible. Call up strip clubs, escort services, and Bill O'Reilly. Make a web site of your own, try finding some existing sites, or just go on Craigslist. You might want to avoid Monster.com; it's a little sleazy.

When you go for your job interview, dress nice, but wear things with snaps and Velcro for quick release. You never know when you might find yourself in the middle of a "technical" interview. Be sure to ask for a glass of water, and "accidentally" spill some on yourself; it's a sure-fire icebreaker!

You will get hired eventually. Be persistent. And when you do get that offer, make sure to ask for the salary that you deserve. It's not the pimp who has to put his ass on the line every day; it's you. Literally.

Now go get 'em.
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