Real Kato Blog: The Flaming Hooker Story

It was the fall of 1994. Amy was a driving a truck from Charlotte, North Carolina to Sonoma Valley, California. Along the way, she stopped in Reno, Nevada, to take a break and do a little bit of gambling.

Amy pulled her Peterbilt into a vacant parking lot at around midnight, and a hooker immediately approached the truck. For illustrative purposes, we shall use this picture to represent the hooker:

(Any resemblance to any Oprahs, living or dead, is purely coincidental.)

This is how Amy later described the hooker: "She had a certain crack look about her, with a lot of hair all stacked up on top of her head, with lots of Jerry Curl juice... kinda like it was gonna drip any minute. She smelled funny, too, like kielbasa sausage. I remember that; it was strong."

Given that description, we shall amend our illustration to this:

The hooker climbed onto the side of the truck, looking in at Amy. She said, "Why, you just a BABY GIRL." Amy responded to this bit of patronizing with the retort, "Yes I am, now GET THE HELL OFF MY TRUCK."

With that, the hooker left, and went about hooking in very hooker-like style, no doubt consuming a number of kielbasa sausages along the way.

Amy went into a casino to play some nickel slots. In just a matter of minutes, Amy hit a jackpot, winning a cascade of over five million nickels. Due to the vagaries of tax withholding and exchange rates, that only came to about $122.38, but it was still a tidy sum for a few minutes' work.

As it turns out, Amy had hit her jackpot on a machine that an old woman had been playing for several days. The old woman had just given up on the machine and moved down to another one before Amy hit her jackpot. It's hard to say for sure, but we might speculate that the old woman had been depending on those nickels to help finance additional plastic surgery, in order to advance her sagging career.

Needless to say, the woman was none too pleased at this turn of events. Thus, the woman took to beating Amy with a large club. We're not exactly sure where she'd gotten this club, but speculating again, and judging from the woman's age, we might assume that it was an original artifact from the paleolithic age.

Amy escaped from the casino and the crazy old woman with her $122.38, and she went back out to the parking lot. She climbed in the cab of her truck and turned on the lights, to record the time in her log book and prepare for the trip to Sonoma. Suddenly, the same meat-odorous hooker jumped on the truck again and said, "Oh, it's still you." Amy replied, "Yes, and I still want you OFF MY FRUITIN' TRUCK." (Perhaps that means Amy was transporting a load of fruit at the time.)

The hooker asked, "Huh, well, do you have a lighter?" And while Amy's mouth was saying "NOOOOO", her hand was unconsciously reaching for a lighter that happened to be lying next to her. This lighter had an unusually high and erratic flame, making it very suitable for saluting rock anthems at live concerts, but somewhat unsuitable for smoking. But the torch-of-death qualities of the lighter did not register in Amy's mind at the time. That is fortunate for us, because otherwise this story would have a much less interesting ending.

Next thing Amy knew, it was as if a hydrogen bomb had detonated. All the air was sucked out of the truck, and there was a loud pop and a bright flash. Then, there was a steady sizzling noise and the distinctive thunderous roar of burning Jerry Curl.

As Amy described the aftermath: "There was a thick haze of smoldering human hair... which STILL didn't overpower the kielbasa smell. Then it was all over, except for the part where she went running and screaming off into the darkness. You could see a faint glowing ember and a trail of thick smoke, and you could still hear her smacking her head to put out the flames."

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Posted by Ken in: funnyhaha

Comments

Comment #1 from Bent (Guest)
2005 Dec 23 - 4:43 pm : #

Finally! But I though kielbasa was outlawed in Reno.

Comment #2 from olafandyjon (Guest)
2005 Dec 24 - 11:10 am : #

I will print this off, place it next to my copy of the Grinch and create a new Christmas tradition by reading this story to my childen every Christmas weekend from here on out.

Comment #3 from Noelle (Guest)
2005 Dec 25 - 10:05 pm : #

Holy crap, I had no idea it would be that good. Bravo. And THANK YOU. I'm sorry that I was with family until today 12/25 and couldn't read this until now. Thanks again and Merry Christmas.