Real Kato Blog: The Republican Convention, Day 2

On we go. Day 2 brings the Gropenator and the Bushies.

Again, just off-the-cuff notes here. Arnold Schwarzenegger
Ahnult comes in, and immediately launches into a We-Love-America thing. Yeah, we know, we're the best country in the world, rah rah rah. (Hey, man, if you love the country so much, learn to speak the language. You're still saying kah-li-FOUR-nia.)

Hey, wait a second: Did Arnold just say that Nixon was his inspiration? Yes, let's trumpet that one: The Republican Party is the party of Nixon, the party of Harding, the party of Hoover.

Now he's talking about how America gives opportunities to everyone, just like him. Easy for a white boy to say, eh?

Here's a good bit... "How do you know if you're a Republican?" This is the beginning of the Republicans' race to the center, I think. To me, it all rings hollow, but let me go into detail, because this stuff is key to the Republican message. According to Arnold, then:

- You're a Republican if: "you believe the government should be accountable to the people, not the people to the government". Um, like letting us know how Ken Lay influenced energy policy, or how Halliburton got its no-bid contract, or why the administration was so bent on invading Iraq even before 9/11, or why everyone was so convinced that Iraq had WMDs? Does "accountable" mean that you try to cover all of that up?

- You're a Republican if: "you believe that a person should be treated as an individual, not as a member of an interest group". This is a convenient way of ignoring social issues and pretending that discrimination doesn't exist.

- You're a Republican if: "you believe that your family knows how to spend your money better than the government does". Sure, because your family has great expertise in macroeconomics, and has a really superb grasp of the federal budget. Maybe no one should pay any taxes at all; let's just do away with government altogether, shall we?

- You're a Republican if: "you believe that our educational system should be held accountable for the progress of our children". By "held accountable", I guess that means withholding funds from schools that need the most help, so that wealthier schools can benefit instead.

- You're a Republican if: "you believe that this country, not the United Nations, is the best hope for democracy". In other words, unilateralism=good, treaties=bad. I think Hitler thought the same thing.

- You're a Republican if: "you believe that you must be fierce and relentless and terminate terrorism". Because, obviously, Democrats are soooo pro-terrorism. Oh, and because invading Iraq, of course, is equivalent to fighting terrorism.

- You're a Republican by "your faith in free enterprise, faith in the resourcefulness of the American people, and faith in the U.S. economy." In other words, we don't need to fix the U.S. economy, everything is just fine as it is. (For those of you without jobs, it's clearly your own fault.)

It's all crap, of course, but it'll play well to the masses. Hmm, odd, though; a lot of women in the crowd are not cheering, and some don't even seem to be paying attention. Perhaps they were groped at some point?

Okay, now we're back to "let's kill terrorists, we love America, everything is great, Bush is a great leader, rah-rah-rah". I guess this mean there's no hate, no discrimination, no injustice, and no poverty in this country. Wow, this is a great place. Pass the dutchie, mon.

Arnold finishes with a "four more years" (er, "fuuuh muuuh yeeeuhs") chant. Cheesy. But overall, it was a pretty effective speech. I'll give him the edge over Ted Kennedy.

The Bush Girls

They're chattering about something. Do they know the mike is on?

There's a lot of "huh-huh, huh-huh" giggling. What the hell are you talking about, Beavis and Butt-head? "Huh-huh, huh-huh, you said 'number two'. You said 'Dick Cheney.'"

This is like a horribly bad high-school skit.

The highlight of all this: letting us know that Dubya and Laura's pet name for each other is "Bushie". Bleah.

Alexandra Kerry makes you sound like twelve-year-olds, by comparison. Actually, you sound childish even compared to Democratic convention twelve-year-old Ilana Wexler. But hey, maybe Chris Heinz will want to buy you a drink and watch you fall off a bar stool.

Laura Bush

She starts by thanking everyone (and I mean everyone), like she's winning an Oscar. Oh, that's cute: grandpa (George HW) and grandma (Barbara) Bush have "I Love Laura" signs.

She's talking about the "no child left behind" act. Um, you mean that thing the Bush administration failed to fund sufficiently? Now she's talking about the medicare drug benefit program, that confusing and overpriced program that everyone hates. And now she's actually trying to make Bush sound like a stem cell research supporter... actual stem cell researchers might beg to differ.

Here's a bit about how we abolished slavery and established suffrage for women. Hmm, are you going to extend that civil rights theme to gay marriage? I didn't think so. Who are you fooling? No one associates Republicans with civil rights. Why are you even talking about this?

Now she's rambling; terrorism blah blah, strength blah blah. People seem bored. She doesn't have the dynamism and the women's empowerment credentials that Teresa does. This is the role model for Republican women? A soccer mom?

The Score

Ahnult gave the Republicans the early lead, but the Bushies squandered it. We'll call Day 2 a tie.

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