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<< Previous: The Dating Handbook:... | Next: Royale With Cheese >>

The Dating Handbook: Are Relationships Bad Investments?
Sunday, 2004 November 28 - 11:31 pm
(Repost of an article from October 19, 2003. This is part of a continuing series on dating and relationships.) What is it that makes people stay in bad relationships? There seems to be a misconception out there: people think relationships are like investments. But the truth is...

Here's a phrase that I hear often, from people in bad relationships: "I don't want to throw it all away." They tell me, they've "invested" so much in the relationship, they don't want to walk away with nothing. And so, they remain in these bad relationships, to the detriment of everyone involved.

This "investment" analogy would make sense, if all that emotional energy were sitting in an account somewhere, earning interest. And we'd like to think that, wouldn't we? That if we pour love into someone else's heart, that it will grow and pour back out to us in the long run.

But mostly, it doesn't. Love is given away, not invested. It is spent. My favorite analogy is this: relationships are more like gambling than investments. Sometimes people strike it rich, and that's what make us want to play. But a lot of the time, we lose. And when we lose, our chips are gone, and trying to win them back might just be a matter of throwing good money after bad.

And so it is with relationships... all that energy we spend trying to maintain a relationship, is only worth something if the cards fall right. Otherwise, it just goes away, and we're probably better off finding a different game to play.
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Posted by Ken in: life

Comments

Comment #1 from Crouching Hamster (Guest)
2004 Nov 29 - 1:43 am : #
OK. I am going to do one of the hardest things I think I've had to do recently - break up with someone - who I was never even dating!

I don't have much invested, but I DON'T want to do it. I'm putting it off. I don't know HOW I'm going to do it. I still really like the guy, but I'm not "feeling the love."

Dating Guy: Any advice?
Comment #2 from Ken (realkato)
2004 Nov 29 - 1:33 pm : #
(I feel like an advice columnist! It's kinda cool.)

It kinda depends on what his expectations are. Does he think you're "dating"? If so, then standard breakup procedures apply. Putting it off will just make it more painful, because the longer you go, the more you will have "invested".

I'd go with something along the lines of "this relationship isn't working for me"... you want something that doesn't put the blame on him, but also doesn't leave any room for argument. I wouldn't say "I'm not feeling the love" because that would imply he could fix the relationship by showing more emotion. The last thing you want is a promise that things will get better, because they almost assuredly will not.

If he is not under the impression that you're "dating", then it's easier; you can keep doing friend-type activities, but then just put the brakes on, any time a romantic situation comes up (like, when he leans in for a kiss or something).

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