Real Kato Blog: Band Geekdom

Did you ever have to sell candy for your school band? Well, that would have been a DREAM assignment for me.

There's been some discussion on Suburban Bliss about the worst jobs people have had*. The talk about telemarketing reminds me of when I had to sell stuff for the school band, back in junior high. I guess selling stuff for the school band wasn't so much a "job" as it was "forced labor", but the concept is similar.

As a shy and nervous eighth grader, I didn't relish the idea of trying to sell things door-to-door. Now, I understood the whole girl-scout concept, with their cookies and all... it seemed like they had it easy enough. Everyone likes sweets, right? The stuff sells itself. So when I found out we were going to sell things, I assumed it would be candy, and I wasn't that nervous at first. But then I found out what it was we were actually going to sell.

We were going to sell SHAMPOO.

It wasn't name-brand shampoo. It was some shampoo specifically designed to be sold by unsuspecting dumb kids like us. In other words, shampoo that no one in their right mind would purposely buy. I think it came in four or five fruit-scented varieties. If you used it, you might end up smelling like candy. But that's as close to candy as we came.

I went to a few houses on the block and rang the doorbells. When it got to the part where I actually had to tell them what I was selling, and I had to watch as they tried to keep from bursting out laughing, my insides would twist up in knots. It was all I could do not to run away screaming. I got through about half a dozen houses before Mom could see that I'd had enough. She put our family down for a couple of bottles and said that would do.

Well, when we got back to school, we were made to tell whole class how many bottles of shampoo we'd sold. There was always some flute player who would announce that she sold ninety-eight bottles her first day, whereas I would have to meekly say "two". That was almost as torturous as the sales process itself. The band director would pause, and say "TWO? Did you say, TWO? That didn't sound like NINETY-EIGHT. It sounded more like TWO."

When I got to ninth grade, I dreaded the return of the Band Sale. And with good reason.

That year, it was "pizza kits". It was a big bag of dough, cheese, and tomato sauce. Yes, that's right; there's nothing people like more than buying raw un-refrigerated ingredients from kids off the street, at double the price of the local supermarket. THERE'S a great business plan for you. So that year I didn't even bother trying to sell any. Now somehow, Miss Perfect Flute Player sold a few hundred of those stupid pizza kits. The only theory I have is that she must have come from a very large family, a family who really loved crappy homemade pizza. When the band director called my name, I would say: "NONE. I sold NONE of those pizza things. That's right, NONE." And this time I said it proudly because I knew I didn't foist that poison on any of my neighbors and friends.

After ninth grade, I quit the band.

*Don't go to suburbanbliss.net. Someone else bought the domain and Melissa no longer writes there.

Permalink 8 Comment

Posted by Ken in: life

Comments

Comment #1 from Tim (Guest)
2005 Mar 2 - 11:59 pm : #

In 9th grade the honors society had to sale towels. Large stupid beach towels.

Yeah... that stunk.

Comment #2 from Jen (Guest)
2005 Mar 3 - 1:24 am : #

I will not make my child sell anything door to door. I am philosophically against the practice. I feel that it is very wrong, rude, and makes your neighbors dislike you.

Comment #3 from minty (Guest)
2005 Mar 3 - 8:13 am : #

Shampoo? That is pretty bizarre. When I was in band we sold candy, and for a time, also fruitcake. That was a pretty hard sell.

A good thing the kids sell these days is tubs of cookie dough. You can just make a couple cookies at a time, or a lot, or you can eat it raw. Mmmmm.

Comment #4 from MonoCerdo (Guest)
2005 Mar 3 - 1:26 pm : #

Minty, I'm a slave to the frozen bucket of cookie dough! I have accepted the Tasty Batters as my copilot on the journey of life. But you can't just buy it on your own, and the dealer who sells to me is graduating this summer and I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO. I might have to start my own fundraiser and just buy all the dough myself, a la Ken's mom.

Comment #5 from Javi (Guest)
2005 Mar 3 - 9:13 pm : #

dude.

duude.

dude.

that's just WRONG.

Comment #6 from melissaS (Guest)
2005 Mar 4 - 10:21 am : #

we sold grapefruits with the orchestra. I'd save up a few nights of babysitting money and just donate that instead.

I just couldn't imagine going to someone's door and saying, "Would you like to buy some of my tantalizing citrus products? Are you sure?"

Girl scout cookies, those sell themselves!

Comment #7 from Steve (Guest)
2005 Mar 4 - 7:46 pm : #

Tim - if only you'd lived on a block with Ford Prefect.

Comment #8 from Nicholas (Guest)
2005 Mar 7 - 1:41 pm : #

We sold cases of oranges and other citrus fruit. We took pre-orders then had to deliver it. The fruit was really good so it was not too bad.

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