Real Kato Blog: Internet Date #00001

From the historical archives, long-lost true stories of my Internet dating experiences.

1997.

I was in the land of Internet dating way before it was popular. Before it was even acceptable. Before most people knew it even existed.

It was in the previous millennium, for crying out loud.

Back in the stone ages of Internet dating, there was still a lot of fear. People didn't normally post pictures of themselves. They didn't use their real names or ages. Most people's Internet personal ads were cryptic and brief, like something you'd see in the back pages of the Independent. "SWF ISO PSWM, ND/D, for fun and companionship. No weirdos please."

So the first girl I ever met on-line... I can't even remember why I decided to meet her. It might be because we were the only two people on the Internet at the time, connected via our dial-up modems at 1200 bps.

She said her name was "Jill", and that she was 25. That seemed all right. (I was actually a big fan of the name "Jill", because there's a girl I knew as a teenager named Jill, and perhaps someday I'll tell that story too.) We spent quite a bit of time emailing each other, but back in those days, ISPs would have to transcribe your email onto parchment by hand and send them via courier pigeon to the recipient's ISP, so it wasn't quite as efficient as it is nowadays. So eventually we moved on to talking on the phone (phones still had cords attached to them), and finally we decided to meet for coffee.

When I got to the coffee shop, she was waiting. In her hand was a sheaf of parchment, with every single email I had ever sent her. The important passages were highlighted, and the margins were full of notes written in red ink. I thought to myself: "Uhhhh..."

There was no way she was 25. She was probably somewhere between 35 and 50, with pale skin and pale hair, like she'd grown up on Pluto or something. She also had a disconcerting amount of body hair. She made sure to talk about it too, because I'd said something in an email about a girl I'd known with underarm hair, and the fact that I wasn't a big fan of it. That passage was highlighted, and there were comments with a bunch of exclamation points next to it.

We chit-chatted for a while. Did I know that she had a pet? Would I like to see it? Sure, why not. She's got a picture in her wallet. There she is, she and her pet... a yellow boa constrictor, draped around her neck. The picture had been taken at a professional studio. "Uhhhh..."

She suggests that we go back to my house to talk some more, and so we did. Don't ask me what I was thinking. At my house, she told me her name wasn't "Jill", it was "Jan". And as I was trying to process this information, she grabbed my ass, using two hands. With one hand on each cheek, I tried to think what the best way would be to send her away. What does one say in these situations? It was all so new to me. "Well, thanks for a lovely time, but I'm going to turn gay now."

It was a long time before Internet Date #00002.

Permalink 3 Comment

Posted by Ken in: dating, funnyhaha, life

Comments

Comment #1 from MonoCerdo (Guest)
2005 May 26 - 12:54 pm : #

Was Jan really a man?

Also, I like that you've left yourself five digits worth of Internet Dates on your counter. Now THAT'S ambition!

Comment #2 from Ken (realkato)
2005 May 26 - 1:27 pm : #

Well, I don't remember seeing any man-hands, but you know, I was too freaked out to really notice all that much.

I think I'm already well into the three-digit territory for Internet Dates, and no, I'm not particularly proud of that fact.

Comment #3 from Travis Tidmore (Guest)
2005 May 26 - 4:15 pm : #

You know the saddest part, not that she lied about her age (She's a woman, hopefully, afterall) but she lied about her name. I mean come on Jan..Jill, why lie about it?????

Also I hope you really actually used the turning gay now line, cause that's classic

Comments are closed for this post.

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